New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize