Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
