apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
