I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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