i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
