It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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