I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
