I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize