just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
