I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't deserve a penis
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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