Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
