I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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