She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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