It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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