so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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