don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
