literally had 100 drinks last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
