Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
