He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
