He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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