I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
