Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
