The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
