My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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