So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
