my phone needs a breathalizer
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize