So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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