So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
you inspire me to be a worse person
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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