How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
