I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
