i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
