I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
