you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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