Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize