I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Less talking, more tequila
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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