smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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