In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
