i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Who died my cat blue again?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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