dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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