i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
