There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so let's talk penis.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
