I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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