Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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