What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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