bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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