I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
