I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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