i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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