Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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