Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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