he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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