She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
