She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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