you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
