oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
