So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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