They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
