the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
