she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Found the puke drawer
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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